SAS Christmas Poems

Another BADger Christmas

By SMUG-Pie (2019)

 

‘Twas three weeks before Christmas and with great hesitation,

SMUGpie put up her tree and she hung decorations.

 

She looked round the room for that pesky SMUGcat,

Who would pull it all down in three seconds flat.

 

But SMUGcat was snoozing in the sun on a chair,

For once she was staying out of SMUGpie’s hair.

 

Meanwhile at the North Pole Santa started to fret,

The events of last year, he could not forget.

 

He gave up on sewing the teddy bear’s paw.

He walked to the phone and pressed speed dial 4.

 

On the end of the line Santa started to cry,

“Santa, what’s going on?” questioned SMUGpie.

 

“It’s BADger” said Santa “he’s been such a git!”

“Did you see his whole deck covered in magpie shit!?”

 

“Oh no!” Said SMUGpie “Mrs BADger’s away!”

“He must have done it while she’s off in LA!”

 

“But there’s worse yet” said Santa, his voice filled with fear,

“Three thousand times now we’ve heard NAMASTE HERE!”

 

“It seems harmless enough” Santa said with a sigh,

“But did you know that poor GraGra’s been having a cry?”

 

SMUGpie reassured Santa “I’ll sort him out”

“SAS know how to deal with that naughty BADger lout!”

 

“Thank you!” said Santa, he sighed with relief,

That BADger was causing him all sorts of grief.

 

SMUGpie thought for a moment then picked up the phone,

There was no way she could deal with BADger alone.

 

She called all the SAS crew to ask them for help,

But when she phoned up GraGra he started to yelp.

 

Earl GraGra was sad from the bad BADger joke,

Then his crown being stolen, it made him feel broke.

 

SMUGpie wracked her brains for a plan, she was quite a smarty,

“I know!” she said, “we’ll throw GraGra a party!”

 

She decided the party would be at BADger’s place,

She couldn’t wait to see the look on GraGra’s face.

 

If the party was held at the BADger sett,

BADger would have to clean it, you bet!

 

Then GraGra would smile, BADger’s hole would be tidy,

They could hold the party there this week on Friday.

 

SMUGpie sent out a message to invite the SAS team,

She hoped they’d all come and let off some steam.

 

“Of course!” said Chris Hoppo “it’s 17,000 k’s”

“I’ll jump on my bike now and be there in two days.”

 

Jenn had just finished another great tri,

But she was sure she could find some time to swing by.

 

Gopher Dave couldn’t make it, he was practicing his sprint,

Then later that day breaking into the Royal Mint.

 

“Don’t do it Gopher!” SMUGpie suggested,

“Or just like last time you’ll be arrested!”

 

Sir Vancelot was riding to the radio tower,

He’d come over and help after he’d had a shower.

 

From NZ Glenn and Barry were going to fly,

Barry offered to bake up a big meat pie.

 

Alex Sweeney Todd said “I have a new baby,”

“I’d love to be there, but please mark me as ‘maybe’.”

 

SMUGpie hoped it would be at least half an hour,

'Til SMUGcat unleashed her tree climbing power.

 

She went to the store to buy tinsel and balloons,

She bought streamers and glitter, bowls, cups and spoons.

 

She walked back through the door in just 10 minutes flat,

To find halfway up her tree was the naughty SMUGcat.

 

She pulled SMUGcat down from the tree with great haste,

She had a party to plan and no time to waste.

 

Next she called up Wombat, he’d know best what to do,

About BADger’s obsession with magpie poo.

 

Wombat picked up the phone from Stromlo peak,

He had been riding up and down it all week.

 

Wombat had no great answers but offer to mop,

On the next flight from Canberra to Sydney he did hop.

 

SMUGpie’s party plan was all coming together,

She had everything ready and even great weather.

 

Team SAS would head to BADger’s with one goal:

Together they’d scrub, mop and polish his hole!

 

In the meantime SMUGpie had a great task at hand,

There was only so much SMUGcat the tree could withstand.

 

Friday morning at nine they all knocked on his door,

GraGra and the guests were arriving at four.

 

So they set to work quickly, they all had their tasks,

His hole was so filthy they needed gas masks.

 

It was quarter to four and the hole was so clean,

Said the BADger “ok now I see what you mean!”

 

“My hole looks much better, so neat and so pretty,

To think that I used to prefer it all shitty!”

 

Ding-dong went the doorbell, GraGra was the first!

They had planned for his entry, it had been well rehearsed.

 

“Hello GraGra!” said BADger, then gave him a crown,

A big mug of earl grey and a fancy party gown.

 

“I’m so sorry Earl GraGra for making you sad,

So we’ve thrown you a party, please stop being mad!”

 

Next to arrive was Wanda woman by bike,

She rode all the way there as the planes were on strike.

 

Sloth Gavin and Wado, all the SAS crew,

Mez and Lachie and Ferret and Blakey came too!

 

GraGra was so happy he cried tears of joy,

It was such a great party for all to enjoy.

 

With the BADger hole clean and GraGra feeling great,

Christmas was saved not a minute too late.

 

A big THANK YOU Team SAS for another great year!

Hope your Christmas is full of fun times and cheer!

Another SMUG-Pie Christmas

By Badger (2019)


TEAM SAS began life as a dream
Dreamt up by the Badger in 2016
It began with a few mates, a bike ride with Fanta
Its 2019 and we’ve now added banter!

To most of our members, SMUG’s poem is a dream
But some were reaching for their haemorrhoid cream
All this talk of Badgers dirty great hole
And all of that Sprinting had taken its toll

He needed a holiday to visit old Blighty
To visit some mates, parade in his nighty
Badger flew round the globe to his Merit
he drove up to Yorkshire, to meet Blakey & Ferret

They sipped tea and talked about Zwift of all things
And the joy that Cycling indoors can bring
But time flew by and they needed to munch
So, Badger and Blakey stayed on for lunch

Ferret had scampered off in the dark
We found him doing burnouts in the carpark!
His hotted up Beamer was louder than loud
And not before long he entertained a whole crowd

The SAS World Tour had begun
London, Sheffield and Barnsley old Chum!
Then on to Whitby, we drove there by car
We caught up with Brian the hula-hoop star

He took us all over Whitby to look,
Chips with Pea’s, Ice Cream and a photo with Cook
That’s Captain James Cook to those that don’t know
He’s slimmer than PUGWASH who’s starting to show.

Then Badger rode Brian’s Zwift Bike like mad
2 weeks off Zwift, made old Badger sad
He tried the new course, it was called Titans Grove
Brian’s bike was much smaller, but onwards he rode

But the time had come for Badger to leave
He was so upset, he wiped snot down his sleeve
He had to get back to his South Yorkshire patch
To catch up with Hoppo at a big football match

Barnsley vs Sheffield United at one
Hoppo and Badger to Football they’d come
They watched the match from the Oakwell stands
With a cup of Hot Tea in their Zwifty warm hands

But Hoppo couldn’t come party with me
Tomorrow was Sunday a 160k TT
Badger was waterboy for the day
Hoppo doing 40, four hours I say!

Then on to Rapha to buy some new gear
he’d require a mortgage, that was his fear
But he only bought an RCC Tee
It looked great in Black, 
he should have bought three!

Next stop Zwift London HQ if you please,
Harrods, Big Ben on the way at a squeeze.
Into the building, lovely flowers that were yellow,
He walked into Zwift and saw an Orange Pinarello

He said to his guide, ‘Orange? That’s a sin!’
The Guide said ‘No it ain't, it belongs to Eric Min’
He really did feel rather lousy and slack
But he preferred his Pinarello’s to come in matte black

Badgers trip to England had come to an end
Travelling the country in a Mercedes-Benz
Thankfully this time he flew business class
London to Sydney sat on his ass!

So back to SAS Central he flew
He went to bed early but woke up at two
It was a long way, but he felt alive
He happily joined SMUG-Pies SUB 2.5

He just couldn’t wait to get off the sofa
For SUB 2.5 with Arnie and Gopher
Vance rides at 6 and Alex at 7
Badger was back in his weekly Zwift heaven!

2019 has been a year to remember
A blink of an eye, it’s already December
But we’ll try to give this great year a wrap
It looks almost as good, as Badgers flat cap!

Namaste Here has been heard 300 times
Mrs Badger at Yoga, nothing else rhymes?
Gra Gra has had his crown stolen all year
Losing it to SMUG-Pie is his greatest fear

Wanda, Mez and Lynda, look great in Blue
Monique and SMUG-Pie the SAS Crew!
Our ladies are the best, they’re just pure class
Join an SAS Sprint and they’ll kick your ass!

And then there’s the lads, I’ll mention them too
They decided on black not our SAS Blue
There’s Wado, Jono and Lachlan and Ross
To wear anything else would be a total loss

Badger posted these jerseys with #SASLove
Rapha Pro Custom kit and all of the above.
It all went to plan, nothing went amiss
To Guernsey Island Mr Hoppo that’s Chris!

Our Tech Guru Barry with his helpful tips
And Glenn his fellow countryman, Who, we’ve nicknamed ‘CHIPS’
Halfway across the Tasman somewhere deep in the sea,
Fish & Chips becomes FUSH & CHUPS they’ve been telling me

And Alex attempted Le Etape Australia
He turned up all fresh in SAS Regalia
But once the ride started he began to plod
It was either the beer or his new found DAD Bod!

We picked up new sponsors along the way
It made Badger proud we do have to say
Dynamic Cyclist, Infinity Bike Seat
2019 a year to repeat!

And then there is Sloth who has gone missing again
He’s Swimming and Running but not in the pen!
But there’s definitely so much more fun to poke
With an SAS Ride and a few good Dad Jokes!

Why did the Wombat cross the road?
To visit his Flat mate I heard and I glowed
These jokes are so funny as I sip my beer
But nothings as funny as ‘NAMASTE HERE’

And now to the party, as SMUG-Pie explained
It was at Badgers house in the pouring down rain
People trudged through the house, with mud on their shoes
A dirty Axminster it was almost brand new!

Mrs Badger had returned from her Yoga Class
And screamed ‘Off of my rug or I’ll boot your fat arse’
Pugwash apologised, down on one knee
Gra Gra, sticky bottle with some Earl Grey Tea

I don’t like your tone Gra Gra said with a tear
As Badger walked in and screamed ‘NAMASTE HERE!’
It’s the three hundredth time you’ve heard this war cry
He’s very committed, a passionate guy

And that just leaves SAS-TIVE 500
A week full of 50’s and Hoppo’s 200
It’s the best way to end our SAS Year
With a shitload of Spinning and a couple of beers!

#SASLove
Merry Christmas 
from Badger x x x

 

To celebrate the festive season I have been very busily writing a poem.

This is based on true events!

A Very BADger Christmas - By SMUG-Pie (2018)
 

T’was the week before Christmas and with great frustration,
SMUGpie pulled SMUGcat down from the tree decoration.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
SMUGpie hoped there would be lots of bike gear in there.

But BADger’d been naughty, and though that wasn’t new,
Poor Santa, he didn’t know quite what to do.

He paced up the hall to the phone by the door,
Picked it up from the cradle and pressed speed dial 4.

“SMUGpie” said Santa “That BADger’s been trouble!
I need you to help sort him out on the double!”

“His BADger hole’s filthy, of that I am certain!
The tiles in the bathroom, the kitchen, the curtain!”

“Oh no!” said SMUGpie “I’ll help sort him out
If he doesn’t get presents the BADger will pout!”

Once again SMUGpie rescued the tree from SMUGcat,
The she picked up the phone and she called the Wombat.

“That BADger!” said Wombat “he just won’t behave!
I think we need help – I’ll call Gopher Dave”

“Thanks Wombat” said SMUGpie “but will that be enough?
I’ll call JP, he’s heavy metal tough!”

“In fact, you know what, I’ll put out the call!
I’ll message the ride leaders, message them all!”

Gopher wanted to help but lived too far away,
And Ghengis was just way too busy that day.

Queen Bee Angela was summiting 7 mountain peaks,
Ratty Matt with new baby, had not slept for weeks.

Barry was shopping for pies for next year,
Lyle couldn’t drive as he’d just had 3 beers.

Sloth Gavin was sleeping as sloths tend to do,
So SMUGpie picked up the phone and she called BADger, too.

“Santa just called me from the North Pole
Said you won’t get presents if you don’t hoover your hole!”

“But I can’t!” Said the BADger, with great dismay,
“My Hoover’s been broken since last Friday!”

SMUGpie took SMUGcat from the tree one more time.
My goodness that SMUGcat sure liked to climb.

SMUGpie posted on Facebook “please help us, it’s dire!
Does anyone have the vacuum we require?”

“I would help” said David, “I could be there by eight!
I’d ride down with my Hoover…but they’ve shut the gate”

SMUGpie’s phone rang again, it was Kiwi Glenn calling.
He found the whole situation kind of appalling. 

Said Glenn to SMUGpie “I know just what to do!
Call up Jim’s Cleaning, have them send out a crew!”

“What an idea, Glenn!” Said SMUGpie with glee
She called up Jim’s Cleaning, they got there by three.

BADger’s hole was so dirty, it was really disgusting,
They set about scrubbing and mopping and dusting.

The Zwift cave was worst, needed cleaning somehow,
“Let me help!” Said the BADger, and grabbed his Shamwow.

After 10 long hours they were finally done.
The BADger hole was tidy, it glistened and shone.

“Thank you!” Said BADger and he bid them goodnight,
He happily hopped into bed, snuggly tight.

SMUGpie and Santa were both so relieved,
Now Santa could bring BADger presents that eve!

A very Merry Christmas from all of us here!
Have a safe festive season and happy New Year!

A VERY SMUG NEW YEAR - by BADger 🦡 (2018)


T’was the week after Christmas and SMUG-Pie was beat,
Rapha Festive 500, eight days in the seat.

SMUG-Cat stared as she came through the door
The cat felt orphaned, not loved anymore.

Clickety Clack went her cleats down the hall
Missing the sales down at Bourke Street Mall.

 

Over at Wombats not a sound could be heard,
Whilst BADger ate toast and Lemon Curd.

 

No Canyon Aeroad made Sloth a sad man
He began to surmise, Christmas could be a sham?

 

As Ratty Matt tried on his new cycling cap,
The baby’d stopped crying through Watopia Flat.

 

Whilst Queen Bee was searching for honey to eat,
3 Beers was tipsy and off of his feet.

 

Gopher Dave paid to join Salt and Sham
Another late show for Ghengis McGahan

 

Whilst James spun some vinyl and blasted The Cure
Barry competed in a local Randonneur

 

And that just leaves Glenn who has no nickname.
The SAS Crew are totally to blame.

 

Now we can look forward to SAS 760
Trying to rhyme that would be rather risky

 

SMUG-Pie has gone on her yearly vacay
SMUG-cat is turning their tree into hay.

 

The trusty two Daves, Wombat and Gopher
Are sat on their saddle’s, instead of the sofa.

 

Sloth’s watching football ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’
Whilst Glenn and James ride themselves to the bone.

 

Ghengis is Sprinting on the LaGuardia Course
Barry is eating a meat pie with sauce

 

Stateside 3 Beers scoffs the last bits of ham
Queen Bee trains to join Canyon SRAM

 

And that just leaves BADger and you know what he’s like
Spends more time on Facebook instead of the bike

 

Now Christmas is over for another year
From all at SAS, have a Zwifting New Year !

© C o p y r i g h t  2 0 1 8 - s a s c y c l e c l u b